7 DAYS OF HAPPINESS 5

IT ISN’T ALWAYS NECESSARY TO DEFEND, SOMETIMES JUST ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE A LOSER

Okay ! I know after reading the first line, you might have raged inside considering the last word ‘’Loser’’. The first problem lies there. We often hate the word or people calling us the ‘’Loser’’, why ? Is it Darwin’s theory of ‘’Survival of the fittest’’ ? Maybe. But more than that, we humans are steadfast in making us superior over others.  Humans are by nature very socially insecure. We are competitive by nature and in our primal instincts, the strongest survives. 

As noted by the Belgian team, the hubris hypothesis involves comparing yourself favorably and explicitly with other people. This leads others to believe that you hold disparaging attitudes toward them, because you’re letting them know that you think of yourself as superior. It’s a particular form of pride in which the claims you make about your own worth come at the expense of acknowledging that of other people. 

The example used by Hoorens et al. contrasts the statement “I am a better friend than others” with “I am a good friend.” When you make the comparative statement with others, you’re showing an explicit form of hubris. When you simply state what a good friend you are, the claim of superiority is implicit, and it's no harm, no foul to everyone who hears you make that claim.  What happens with the hubris hypothesis is that we don’t like it when someone else openly expresses that viewpoint. It’s fine to think you’re luckier, happier, or more likable than everyone else, but if you happen to voice this assessment, you’ll end up facing the exact opposite outcome. It makes it crystal clear that we don’t want to be called ‘’Loser’’, rather we want to be ‘’superior’’, we don’t want to hear anything from others, we simply call it ‘’bragging’’ but we want to express that we are better.

A lot of times, I myself felt I was far better than many people and if someone critically analyzed me I would instantly get offended. I felt I was as innocent and pious as ‘’cow’’ as many of us think so a defend in this self-centered world was a must since no one would be supporting. I gave so much of my time and energy doing so. I felt that was worthy enough. I even had the false assumption that the listener believed me. Well, you know that was not the case. A person only wants to hear, listen and see what he convinces his mind to. If a person is filled with a certain strong impression about the other person then how hard you try, it persists there, unwilling to see through another dimension. It really got on my nerve when rumours earmarked a person’s image among strangers. So most of the time, I have stopped using my energy to the filled mind and would only voice out when necessary. It bothers so less when you realize that every person has their own ability and freedom to make a perception about a certain person. There is no need to defend every time, sometimes letting things on the hand of time can also ease your stress. Letting things go can also create specific peace inside the mind.

As your expression changed when the word, ‘’Loser’’ was mentioned, I used to have a strong pessimistic demotivating vibe with that word. Our culture is obsessed with winning. A reverence for winners favors a narrow outcome over desirable personal qualities and long term solutions. This obsession confuses striving for excellence with a drive to stand out compared to others. Winning is an outcome. However, when people become obsessed with outcomes, they can lose sight of the journey, lose sight of who they are and how they got there, lose appreciation for the value of people who don't win. But I have redefined this word. If I get rejected in any organizations, or in personal life, or with my ideas, I call myself a ‘’Loser’’, simply just like a name. Then I realized words don’t have meaning, actually we make meanings out of it. Recent research has shown a clear relationship between levels of happiness and competition. According to a comparative study of 42 nations around the world by Evert Van de Vliert and Onne Janseen, published in the Journal of Comparative Social Science, happiness decreases as the level of competition increases in a given society. When I say loser I don’t mean you are unworthy but I simply laugh at my unfinished attempt. The change in acceptance and perception towards a thing could definitely make such a huge difference, I had never imagined. Having a winning mindset has its obvious advantages. It generates intensity, determination and effort, and often success can fill our lives with meaning. But a competitive mindset has serious problems. Nowadays, even if a person comments on my negative behaviour and I am convinced properly, I don't defend. The other problem with the focus on winning, is that once you've tasted it, you need more. It's like an addiction. The pleasure effect of winning does not last, unlike the satisfaction of having done the best you can. Finally, a focus on winning makes people focus outside themselves for validation of their worth. The focus on competition and winning is now a fundamental part of how business is done. I simply accept. If there is a need to clear up, I speak up else there is nothing to waste time. I try to improve that, if possible. Else I have two magical words, ‘’Loser’’ and ‘’accept’’. Perhaps the final indictment of an obsession with competition and winning, is that it restrains people from engaging in a personal journey of self knowledge and finding one's place in life as an entirely internal and personal process, not one that requires the comparisons and constant competition with others as a measure of self-worth.  There’s a downside to constantly seeking out praise. It’s like going through life trying to avoid criticism. Focusing on progress is both more satisfying and more objective. You either did it or you didn’t; praise and criticism are beside the point. It doesn’t mean you have to change it. It doesn’t mean you have to devalue what you’ve done so far. We all have this innate nature to impress or one-up each other, but some of us have convinced ourselves of the falsehood that people are always watching. You take on an almost chameleon-like adaptability to fit in and impress whichever audience is at hand  When you are comfortable in your own skin, comfortable to accept your negative behaviours, your loss, your mistakes, you don’t need the approval of others, and the negativity that is cast from not receiving approval will no longer have any effect.

You are free to be yourself, uncensored, and unapologetic.