Paranoia.

Paranoia-I

The past few months have been catastrophic for him. Every day waking up prematurely, waking up with a nightmare, waking up at 2 am, rambling at night and the list goes on. Every single day he wakes up, the first thing that runs through his head is her name.  He is 30 years old and broke, spent his last penny on a couple of cigarettes and some bottles of vodka.

The morning of November 22 was unusual than other mornings before. As usual, the sun only rose to humiliate him. He woke up agitated, it was 3 am in the morning. He drew his cigarettes from the nightstand and lit them. A strange dream clung to him, a dream both haunting and beautiful. He was in a different realm. In this ethereal realm, he found himself by a river, serenaded by the melodies of birds, surrounded by an aura of love. Yet, amid this idyllic scene, a faint sobbing beckoned him. Drawn to the mysterious voice, he discovered a silhouette, a lady of enchanting grace. As he drew nearer, her visage unveiled a beauty akin to an enchantress. Being traumatized by the past, he couldn’t feel the new paradise that he had created in his head. Momentum was too high for him, resulting in him staying afloat in that old dimension. Suddenly it started to rain heavily with thunder. She disappeared in the rain………… Now, afloat on a boat navigating the river, she reappeared beside him. The boat, a vessel laden with memories of tender kisses beneath the full moon, carried them through the currents of recollection. Desiring proximity, he endeavored to draw near, yet an unseen force from behind restrained him. A whispered revelation echoed, "You slaughtered me," shattering the tranquility of his dream.

“Bummer!” he exclaimed with dismay. It’s almost 6 am by now- the long and thick curtains blocked the morning rays. The blue waves of smoke scattered throughout his room, just like the shadows of her memories lying gently all over his soul. He grasped a piece of bread and rushed out of the door.

He smelled the morning air -sitting on the park bench. The calm breeze gently blew some of the scattered leaves over the bench. Hadn’t it been for the wind, leaves wouldn’t have moved. However small a moment may seem; it always has a consequence around us. That small event made him recognize his existence in this universe, blowing wherever fate is driving him. Tear-filled eyes gazed skyward, and a mournful cry pierced the stillness, a lamentation that echoed, "Damn you, damn you..." On the way back home, he kicked a trash can and bumped against a pole. He arrived at his condo and emptied a bottle of vodka.

When he woke up, he found himself lying on the passageway, butts of cigarettes scattered all over the floor. There was vomit all over at the end of the corridor. He got up and slanted against the wall. His head hurt so much that he sat crouching on the floor. He then acknowledged that he was holding her photo in his left hand. And now for the very first in a very long time he tried to figure it out, was he responsible for her death? Maybe if he had accepted the way she was, accepted the baby he found playing In Front of his porch, perhaps……….

When something evil or mysterious is about to happen- you feel that in your bones. There’s some type of a warm or heated sensation in the body that you get before falling sick. Like you can feel the fever coming when you swallow your food or drink water. Likewise, he felt the identical heat- he was going to see his wife after six years. The last time he saw her face was at the station where she was blowing him a goodbye kiss. At first, he didn’t want to accept what had happened while he was away fighting a war for his country. The wounds of thousands of knives wouldn’t have hurt him more than this reality. How could he accept a child who isn’t his blood? It’s impossible to be all sugar one day and spit venom the next day.

She never intended to bear the burden of motherhood, yet the weight of contemplating the life she had almost extinguished haunted her. How does a woman reconcile with the knowledge that she almost took the life of her unborn child? In the absence of the child's father, who had already vanished into the void, thoughts of self-annihilation crossed her mind. However, the courage to commit such a dark deed eluded her, leaving her entangled in the complexities of a life she never fully chose.

He wanted to say a lot, he wanted to loathe her for what she did to him. The resentment for her actions welled up, a deep-seated loathing that extended to the innocent child, his mind weaving dreams of a gruesome act. Despite the tender gestures of her affection, his nights were drowned in the intoxication of alcohol and arguing with her. One night as things escalated and went out of control, he hit her and her child.The following morning unfolded with an ominous void, both of them mysteriously absent. Once more, guilt tightened its grip on him, torn between the urge to seek her out, embrace the child, and forge a new beginning, or succumb to the dark allure of drowning his sorrows. This internal conflict led him to a desolate tavern. As the cold embrace of a beer glass beckoned, officers in blue attire approached with hushed words that sent shivers down his spine. His face turned pale and yellow. He felt the entire universe weighing on him. He lost all his senses. His wife and the child were found dead inside the car, near the pines. Her head was lying on the driving wheel but her body was never found. The absence of the child within the car led authorities to the grim assumption of its demise.

Meeting her for the first time and marrying her was both the most unnerving and intriguing event he had experienced in all his years. The complexities of inner thoughts are more complex than they sound. He was not more virtuous than she; she, too, wanted to do what was right, why should he be chosen to live and she to be killed? 

He got up slowly from the floor. His visions were still blurry. He went to the roof to get fresh air. Looking up to the starry atmosphere, he said to himself “We all live in each other's paranoia”.