How I turned Into Heartless

Before, I used to cry over small things. I would express how I felt and tell my loved one, “Please don’t do that — it hurts me.” But every time, he thought I was being unreasonable, like I was just looking for a reason to start a fight. I cried, I expressed, I opened up… and all he said was, “Your tears are fake.”

I was the kind of girl who would stay quiet, afraid to speak up — not because I was wrong, but because I feared he would leave me, get angry, or feel hurt. I sacrificed my voice for peace.

But as a human being — as someone with a heart — I can suffer for days, months, even a year… but not forever. Especially not when I’ve already expressed how much something hurts me. Eventually, I changed.

Now, when he says harsh things, I reply back. When he hangs up the phone, I hang up too. He used to turn off his phone during fights — now I do the same. Before, I was terrified when he said, “I’ll block you.” Now I say, “Go ahead. If you want to leave, leave. Or I will.”

He always had a reason for being angry — but never accepted his mistakes. And when I tried to make him realize them, he’d either get more angry or just go silent. I know he loves me. But before I met him, I thought love was about communication — expressing, caring, and respecting one another. Even when angry, I believed we should never use abusive words, never say hurtful things about each other’s parents. I believed love was equal.

But being with him taught me something else. I learned that in love, some men feel they can speak however they want to a woman. That a man can be however he wants — loud, angry, disrespectful — but a woman should just stay quiet. That she shouldn’t even go out with her own parents without his permission. That if a man is angry, she can’t ask why. She just has to suffer it in silence.

And here’s the biggest truth I’ve learned:
Even when I confront him about unnecessary anger, he says it’s "because of work."
So let me ask — to all men:
We women understand you work hard. That’s why many of us hold in our pain, waiting for the right time. But is it too much to expect just a little care, just a little love before we sleep?
Is that really so hard?

I know not all men are the same. And I also know not all women are angels. Some women hurt men for money. Some don’t care about their partner’s feelings at all. But this isn’t about "all." This is about what I experienced.

Every time I trusted him more, I ended up discovering things I wish I never saw. Like the time I checked his Google history and found out he stayed awake till 2 a.m., even though he always told me, “I’m going to sleep now, I’m exhausted.”
He made me feel guilty for wanting to talk, made me feel like I was a burden.
He told me he was at work — but he wasn’t.
And once again, he broke my trust.

I gave him everything — even my pain. But when I expressed how I felt, he’d just get angry. And when I asked him to open up too, he stayed silent. The spark we had? It’s gone. What pushed me to become heartless was the night I took those pills after one of our fights. And he didn’t care. It felt like he thought, “She won’t die anyway.” He didn’t panic. He didn’t hold me. He just slept… while I cried all night. He even said to my face, “I regret being with you.”

But despite everything — the anger, the silence, the pain — a part of me still hopes he’ll change.
I’m not heartless because I want to be.
I’m heartless because I’ve been forced to protect myself.

Every day, I’m still trying to make him understand me… to make him see what I feel, what I need, what I’ve been carrying.
I don’t want a perfect relationship — I just want to feel heard, respected, and safe.
I’m not expecting grand gestures.
Just a little effort. A little change. A little love.

But sometimes, the more I try to make him understand me, the more I feel like I’m speaking to someone who’s already given up listening. I know he loves me but his behaviour shows another.

So now —
I don’t show him my tears.
I talk back in the same tone he uses with me.
I threaten to leave.
I’ve learned to stay without talking.
I’ve learned to be heartless.

I don’t know what kind of relationship this is anymore. We both can leave eachother.
But if you’re reading this and you're in a relationship, please — cherish your partner. Listen when they tell you what hurts them. Don’t lie. Don’t break their trust. And most importantly — don’t forget to love yourself. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only one who truly understands yourself.

And remember:
If you don’t open up to your partner,
Don’t expect them to understand you.