An old man's lamentation story

Have you ever wondered, why you try so hard to do good to others and end up pissing people off?

You are always trying so hard to be a good guy that you end up becoming the bad guy?

Have you ever wondered how hurtful it is to have wanted everything to make other’s happy but end up becoming sad themselves just like they say that the most cheerful people are the sad person within self.

I wish I had taken one ‘selfish oath’ in my life. I know if I share this word people will get triggered by the word ‘selfish’.  Not their faults, who would ever thing the word which itself gives negative vibe on pronouncing will be the most valuable asset to life guide.

People are taught to live for others, think other’s happiness before self, like I was by my parents, my guardians, my teachers and everyone I met. In the lifetime I did everything people wanted me to be, good, responsible, decent, approachable, studious, cooperative, compromising, understanding, believing, empathetic, modest and every words of dictionary which would be counted as character of a ‘good guy’. I had never thought of breaking these rules and explore the life because I knew these were the ‘mantras’ by the wise people after living their share of life for my own prosperity and people around me. To be really honest, I would say I was very well-nourished with cultures who never knew how to be rebellious, stupid and ignorant, to everyone out there I was given adjective ‘’good’’, a good son, a good student, a good friend, a good employee, a good colleague, a good husband, a good father, a good grandfather and everything in between I was ‘good’. It is not easy to be good, sacrificing oneself to betterment of others, to see everyone’s smile. I am still happy remembering my ‘compliments’, remembering how many people I made happy.

But one day it all changed, when my relative said I was the most disgusting person to have in the family, when my friend said,’’You are unworthy of my friendship’’. At the age of 52 I’m now seeing all the delusions about what people would have thought about me, all those virtual world I’ve lived in between ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I would confess it to you that I cannot remember doing anything wrong to anyone or have thought about it. I was ready to get grilled just to see other’s smile. I would never say ‘’no’’ to anyone even though I knew I had to pay huge for that particular commitment.

I am grateful to what I had to listen in my early fiftees because I got a important lesson about the mistake I did all my life. My mistake was to ‘’LIVE FOR OTHERS’’ and wanting to adapt myself keeping in their shoes, calculating what people would think or say. For the first time I’m fed for being  or trying to be good as far as possible for everyone. Today I want to say sorry to myself for being so harsh to me, I never loved my feelings speaking from heart I always listened to other’s heart, I saw everyone’s tear but never counted my tear droplets, I was always there for others but never gave time to insight myself. There were times when I wanted to get out of this cage of discipline, I wanted to go to bad places, I wanted to scream out of anger to people, I wanted to pour my heart out to my loved ones, I wanted to go somewhere my heart resonates with, I wanted to live life my way but alas, immediately after I realized my interest I would either skip or suppress my own identity to be valid to everyone or whom I might hurt with my deeds.

 I wish I was kind to self, I wish I practiced ‘’SELF LOVE’’. I know I would have hurt people by then but I would feel thrill of life, I would have recognized what I want from life, I would be kind to myself and moved out of many people’s life, I would be ‘’happy’’, I would feel glad to be ‘’alive’’. I would have ‘memories’ at least because after crafting myself being good I was not making any memories, I  was living life as other wanted, cutting it short, ‘’ I WAS ROBOT” handled by anyone who came to my life.